Generations and Incarnations
Now that I look back on several years of awareness and want to write about my family system, I realize that I have done a number of constellations and even followed a training course to guide them, but that it is mainly the way of looking at things and reflecting on them in daily life that has benefited me the most. Some constellations were downright disappointing, while I have been able to attend constellations done by others that left a deep impression on me and undoubtedly contributed significantly to the healing of the participants.
Grandfather Theo van Gunsteren on my mother’s side.
My (family) system
I am the eldest son of two. In terms of physical resemblance, I look more like my mother than my father. Just like with my own children, the eldest resembles the mother, the second resembles the father, and the third resembles the mother again. I see this pattern frequently around me, but it also seems to work the other way around. Unless an abortion or miscarriage has played a role.
When I look at the male line on that side, I end up with my grandfather, my mother’s father. Over the years, I have learned more and more about his life and I keep noticing that the similarities are striking. Down to the smallest details. This has also made it clear to me what I need to watch out for, and with that knowledge, I was able to make a conscious choice to take a different path in some areas and to go with the flow of my destiny in others.
A lLving System
I have photos of two generations of ancestors hanging in my house, and sometimes even further back.
I interviewed my father in his birthplace and at his local pub.
I’ve done more research on my mother’s father. His life remains very mysterious.
Larger Systems
What makes it easy for me is that I am not part of many other systems or groups. I was born outside of religion and never joined other groups such as student associations and the like.
As far as I am concerned, this is thanks to my birth. Deep down, I knew that I had to be able to rely on myself. That did not mean that I did not need confirmation, because I clearly did, and it was only during my student days that this became clear to me and I started working on it.
I am Dutch, or a white Western European. For convenience, let’s call it the white race. That is a group and history with which I am systemically ‘burdened’. That means there are certain talents, but also certain pitfalls. Historically, the white race has a talent for thinking, structure, and organization. It is masculine in the sense that it is focused on manifestation and competition. Struggle and winning are dominant aspects of the paradigm for solving problems. It is so powerful that many do not even see it. Everything else is weak, so it loses, so it is useless.
Now, as luck would have it (or not), I have started living with and had children with a woman whose mother is the complete opposite of this. Perhaps the most feminine, gentle, loving place on earth is Indonesia. It has been very important for me to see this contrast every day in my daily life, and with it the potential to discover and develop the more feminine, gentle side of myself.
Through her, her family, and our trips to Asia, I was able to see and understand that it is apparently very difficult for some groups to say no, draw a line, and engage in conflict, often under the guise of maintaining harmony. In the Netherlands, too, I noticed that people with this background could often see that things in the world were not right, but wanted to avoid showing anger about it at all times.
This observation was important to me because it made it clear to me that the challenge for me and my group is to be able to love unconditionally and strive for harmony. Although I have done well in recent years with specific people, I notice that it remains a challenge. But it is one that is worth the effort.