Afsent
Fatherhood

Masculinity and self-esteem are damaged when the father is absent from the child’s upbringing or when he is toxic or too strong. The father’s masculinity can be divided into, on the one hand, inspiring the child to strive, grow, and manifest, and on the other hand, providing energy that protects and sets boundaries.

For thousands of years, sons were raised by their fathers from around the age of seven. Fathers taught them what it meant to be a man, and together with the elders of the tribe or village, they learned life lessons. They learned a trade, and in almost every culture, initiation rites were held at certain ages to mark the transition from boyhood to manhood, for example.

Since the Industrial Revolution, this has changed dramatically. Fathers no longer work in and around the home, but in factories and offices. Contact between father and son has become increasingly rare. In addition, wars in many parts of the world have left many sons growing up without fathers, and the recent trend of divorce has also meant that sons often grow up without fathers. In the Netherlands, 10,000 children lose their fathers every year as a result of divorce. Most children stay with their mothers after a divorce.

I recently read that this has far-reaching consequences in North America. Ninety percent of homeless children come from fatherless families, and 85% of children in juvenile detention centers come from fatherless families.

Boys grow up without fathers. When fathers are at home, children are mainly raised by their mothers and do not learn what it means to be a man. There are no initiation rituals and therefore no conscious transitions to the next phase of life. Apart from possibly getting married.

What characterizes the current generation of men?

A book that really fascinated me and deals with this topic is “No More Mr. Nice Guy.” In short, it boils down to the following. Most men who were raised by women:

1. Are too nice, they give a lot and like to solve other people’s problems.

2. Are looking for approval and appreciation and want to do things “right.”

3. Avoid conflict (especially with women).

4. Suppress their emotions

5. Try to be different from their fathers

6. Feel more comfortable with women than with men

7. Their partner is often their emotional center.

8. They find it difficult to prioritize their own needs.

It therefore seems that a lack of masculinity in upbringing and a lack of affirmation from a father figure, who does not do this out of unconditional love but out of masculine love, has had an impact on children’s self-esteem and the masculinity of sons.

 “Absent”

The “universal wound” (documentary Absent)

In the context of the documentary Absent, the “universal wound” refers to a shared psychological injury that occurs when a child grows up without a healthy father figure—not only physically absent fathers, but also emotionally unavailable fathers.

It is called universal because the documentary argues that this wound occurs in all cultures and social classes.

The universal wound is the internalized feeling of “I am not enough,” which arises when a child does not experience reliable paternal recognition, protection, and affirmation.

This wound often unconsciously shapes how a person relates to themselves, to others, and to society.

How the Wound Originates

In early development, a father (or father figure) traditionally plays an important role in:

• Reflecting self-esteem (“You matter”)
• Safely detaching from the mother
• Confirming competence and strength
• Modeling belonging in the wider world
• When this presence is absent or inconsistent, the child often fills the void with self-reproach:

“If he didn’t stay, there must be something wrong with me.”

That belief becomes the wound.

Impact on self-confidence and self-esteem

The documentary connects the universal wound with:

• Chronic self-doubt
• Fear of rejection or abandonment
• Shame
• Need for external validation to feel appreciated

Because the wound arises before language, it often feels like identity, not injury.

The Appeal of Groups

One of the most significant consequences is a compelling need to belong. Groups can temporarily replace the absent father because one is seen within the group. This explains why the universal wound can attract people to:

• Gangs or extremist movements
• Masculine subcultures
• Ideologies
• Companies or institutions that demand loyalty
• Even unhealthy relationships

Belonging becomes a substitute for self-esteem.

Why this is socially relevant

The documentary Absent suggests that many large-scale social problems are collective expressions of this wound, including:

• Violence and domination
• Addiction
• Radicalization
• Identity conflicts
• Obsession with status, power, or recognition

As long as the wound is not healed, she seeks its solution outside herself rather than from within.

Healing

Healing the universal wound does not mean blaming fathers or idealizing masculinity. It requires:

• Conscious recognition that the wound exists
• Disconnecting self-esteem from abandonment
• Re-education through mentors, therapy, or community
• Developing connectedness without losing oneself
• Learning to see and affirm oneself

In short:

The universal wound is the pain of not being seen — and the enduring desire to be seen.